If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other