If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Smile they said.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.