@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@LurkAtHomeMom

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

@PorkUrPine

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@Jay_FrickinLynn

I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.

@ArfMeasures

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

@LoveNLunchmeat

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

@Gupton68

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.