Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.