If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

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ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.


I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe


[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours


Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.


My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it


Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*


I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?