If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If you know, you know
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
the battle rages on