If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.