If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.


Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time


overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”


You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things


Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes


been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.


Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate


I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.


Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences