1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Was he better than me?”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
“Mary, what the hell?”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan