@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

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@CulturedRuffian

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

@Reverend_Scott

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

@Nickadoo

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@theevilwriter

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

@david8hughes

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.