Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection
Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You’re like a dressing room
You make me want to take my clothes off and try things
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences