If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
#Caturday
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.