@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

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@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@WheelTod

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@Contwixt

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

@envydatropic

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM