If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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yeah 😭
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶