If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Thank you corporation very cool
I just ran a .003048K
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Best spot.. 😅