If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Eat…
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal