If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.