If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
This 4th of July, please remember…
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.