If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
You Might Also Like
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Sooo many times…..
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Beware of fowl play.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.