If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.