Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing