If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
is it earth
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
This is a sub tweet
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.