If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.