If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You Might Also Like
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something