If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You Might Also Like
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…