i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.