[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.