@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

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@SatansTongue

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@SteveKoehler22

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@Book_Krazy

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@_iTrevii

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.