If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me