If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

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Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.


Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.


One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.


Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.