@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

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@just1fool

Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.

@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

@LoverOfComics94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

@IamJackBoot

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.