The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.