*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
DON’T CALL ME THAT
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.
Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.