If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
🤣🤣🤣
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: