I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When news reporters do sports stories
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n