@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

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@ventivodkacran

I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.

@Thedudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@Drytown1

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

@offbeatoliv

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

@HenpeckedHal

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them