If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
You Might Also Like
Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?
Wanted: Someone to do the Locomotion with me.
[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”
Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?
Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
My favorite Jobs:
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?