I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
NO BUT REALLY
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them