If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop