If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.