If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”

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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.


“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.


After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.


When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.


“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider


*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider


Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.


There’s a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we’re just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I’m not into that at all.