If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.