I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Both: Push it real good?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.