@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

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@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@kaitlinmaarie

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@ArfMeasures

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@InternetHippo

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@LizHackett

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.