If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?