if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
You Might Also Like
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis