@TheOneTrueDisco

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

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@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

@lloydrang

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *hits her sister*

Me: Keep your hands to yourself.

5:

Me:

5: *kicks*

Me: And your feet.

5:

Me:

5: *headbutts*

@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?