If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.