If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
im all 3
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.