If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Oops
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.