If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin


I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…


Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.


Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*


Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.


Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.


My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2


A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.


Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake