@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@shegotagronk

Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

@robdelaney

Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.

@passthewhine_44

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

@MartaEffing

A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.

@TheDailySchmuck

Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake