Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.