If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!