@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

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@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@mommajessiec

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

@goldengateblond

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

@steeve_again

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!