My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
You Might Also Like
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
it is time once again
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
look at me when i’m typing to you
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Happy Febuary everyone!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.