If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Oh my God.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The game has officially changed 😎
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: