If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.


Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.


“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH


*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion


Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms