@felixoshea

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

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@KyleMcDowell86

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

@JediGigi

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

@Vivalazoso

Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’

@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

@WheelTod

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

@funflaps

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

@dubstep4dads

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

@jellybnbonanza

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

@Tmoney68

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.