As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
#Caturday
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.