@R0ckG0d88

If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.

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@mstern68

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

@TheDreamGhoul

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@IAmMikeFeeney

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.

[later]

ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.

@notalogin

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@NotJPo

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said