the Monday after daylight savings
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.