If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

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Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”


Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank


Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.


“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”


WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?


“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.