Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.