CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
saw this in a dream
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now