If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.