I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
we all know this pain all too well
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police