Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.