If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
*cough*
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”