Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• 47 wise guys
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze