if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
sugar glider wrangler