@pazpaz

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

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@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@WilliamAder

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

@GrantTanaka

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

@d_duhwit

Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze