@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

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@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@ClichedOut

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

@JohnFatherJohn

confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@bobvulfov

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying