@UncleDuke1969
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
@kelly__le
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
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@UncleDuke1969
@Not_a_JesusGirl
I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”
@ClichedOut
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
@smedlee
The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
@TheDreamGhoul
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
@DrakeGatsby
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
@JohnFatherJohn
confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.
@GrandadJFreeman
Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…
@bobvulfov
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
@BadassBarbie11
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.