If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Ain’t no way
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell