@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

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@AristotlesNZ

Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..

@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@i_theindian

When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you’re just built upside down.

@ODeadInside

Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.

@BoogTweets

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

@BillPelicanBros

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

@demented_Ash

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

@Marlebean

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons