If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.