If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

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Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..


HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.


When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you’re just built upside down.


Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.


If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic


Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac


I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.


Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*


*graham crackers
*lighter fluid

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”