@daviddeweil: If The Bachelor was realistic they'd ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*
@TheBeerGuy_: Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.