The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
You Might Also Like
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Guys, I found it.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.